Community 101
Katherine brought me flowers from her garden. Spring!
You probably didn't notice because, well, I expect you have other things to do, but I have been away from these pages for Quite Some Time. Reason being: technology. Katherine, a dear friend of mine, volunteered her partner, the very kind and long-suffering IT genius, Matt, to take a look at my old laptop which had being saying NO to quite the number of computer-expected activities, like looking at email, for instance. Matt valiantly struggled for most of one Sunday afternoon with my laptop, while I helped Katherine cut out a sewing pattern (well, let's just say, I tried to help), and visited her chickens and her broody turkey.
Matt updated and reinstalled everything that could be updated and reinstalled, and I ended up with a laptop that worked much more efficiently except that it refused to load blogger for me. The computer said NO. Then on Friday night Matt and Katherine came for dinner, bringing one of Matt's 'old' laptops with him (when I say old, I mean newer than any laptop I have ever owned!) which he had loaded with all the programs I need to function, and which magically lets me write blog posts! I am so very lucky and blessed with a richness of kind and very accomplished friends.
I often plough on through life, taking certain things for granted until a life event pulls me up short and I am forced to stop and examine a state of affairs that I normally accept without thinking about, and this week Matt's kindness, patience and generosity made me stop and think about friends. I have an absolutely stirling set of friends, a circle which waxes and wanes over time - mostly waxing I am pleased to say! We are in and out of each others' houses and lives, and we have a pretty fluid notion of 'things'. Our kids inherit all the clothes of all the other kids - last week I passed on a denim jacket to a friend's daughter and I traced its provenance through at least three mutual friends until it reached this wee poppet, and I am sure it will continue on past her as well. I love that our kids all love sharing clothes! We adults share clothes between us as well, and when I moved from a large house to a small cottage I gave away half my furniture, so I walk into my friends' houses and see my old couches, tables and sideboards and enjoy the bounty from other households at my place (my friend Sandra and I swapped dining tables as I needed a smaller one and she wanted a bigger one). I also took all our camping gear to Sandra's place as she had storage space and no camping gear and I had camping gear but no storage space. Who does that camping gear belong to? Well, neither of us and both of us and everyone else who wants to borrow it, really.
What I love is that we don't hesitate to borrow or lend or give stuff away. Last week my spade broke when the handyman who was working for me accidentally heaved an enormous sleeper onto it. When I visited my friend Monique to swap some seedlings with her, I asked to borrow her spade for an afternoon's gardening, as I hadn't got to the market yet to look for a new (secondhand) spade. She lent me her spade, then sent me a text later telling me to keep it as she had two. To be honest, she is not sure where the second spade came from. It may actually belong to one of our other friends..
Of course, friends don't exist just for the reason of sharing stuff around. We are there for each other in good times and bad. We share endless cups of tea and a listening ear. We provide meals and clean each other's houses in a crisis. We look after each other's kids and have parties and order bulk toilet paper together.
Really, we are a bunch of people who like each other, but we also provide a mutual safety net. I think one of the reasons I feel so optimistic about my life, is that whatever happens, there are people who have my back. And I have theirs. Friendship isn't always easy, and helping friends and family often requires a great investment in time and energy. I expect Matt could have found something more pleasant to do with his Sunday afternoon than helping me with my computer, and spending more hours loading programs onto his old laptop for me. And yet, what he did, I won't forget. Friendship and community doesn't work on the basis of credit and debt, it works on the basis of what goes around, comes around. Kind deeds and shared work cements friendships and creates a web of 'knowing who you can rely on' and 'being the kind of person other people can rely on'. Individuals sometimes fail but the web keeps holding us all up anyway.
That is what my community looks like, and I feel very blessed to have it. Tell me about yours..
Comments
Things do happen to make you appreciate friends, don't they? I had a very difficult time about a year ago, which I didn't want to share with lots of people, but it was overwhelming how many people were there for me if I wanted or needed them to be.
Your friendship group makes me want to move to Tassie and join in. What hampers things in Sydney is the busyness. All my friends, except one who has retired, work such long and tiring hours. And then there's the traffic!!! Who wants to get out in it?
But now I reflect I do have a group of lovely, supportive friends. One friend, who has introduced me to opera, is fixing my favourite bangle. She's a sewer, and has helped me with fixing clothes and trying to teach me to hem. I've given her pottery I no longer want, employment, and entre into a book club where she gets to share her love of reading. Another fiend and I do "debriefing" walks where we unload the things that have irked us. She's also helped me garden. And brought me cake.
I love the flowers!
And then to friendship - I have taken a friend to his house inspections as he must move. And got a parking fine to boot. But, he got company and a second opinion, and I got a listening ear.
Like you, I've also had a relationship end whilst blogging. And I've noticed how I have a community. Me, personally. That backs me. Even if I am the 'bad' person (as sometimes relationships ending can make you think and feel). That can feel so nice to know there's people who still back you... when backing yourself can seem impossible.
I'm glad your technology problem is solved....when it's good it's very good, when it's bad it's awful!
I love hearing how the failure of technology did not affect the operation of your loving community - in fact, it may shine a light on the sort of closeness that you enjoy, which involves tangible homes and jackets and flowers, and being in each other's presence in real time and space. Thank God we are sustained by that kind of support. Thank you for sharing what prompted me to muse happily on this subject this morning. <3
Well done with your community. I am genuinely impressed, as it is - I feel - one of the bigger issues that we'll have to work with both now and in the future. It could be said that you are a captain sailing the wild seas of community! :-)!
Chris
Being almost tribe-less is really hard, because I know what I'm missing. Despite doing all the things I can to rebuild a tribe it's not really working.
Gretchen Joanna, I would love to read the book-long response about your community! It is interesting to contemplate how friendships form and what sustains them, isn't it? I must admit, that apart from writing the odd essay here on the blog, I am not a fan of social media, or very good at keeping in touch via any form of it. I tend to rely on real-world encounters to catch up..
But yes, your broader point about community stands - the more precarious life is, the more important it is to have and be, good neighbours and friends.
Tracy, I am so sorry to hear about your bump in the road. I can feel the sadness from here. That kind of falling off of former friends is very hard to bear. I imagine that the friends who are still close to you are very precious indeed. All the best as you rebuild that tribe. You clearly have a heart for friendship and gathering people in. I know that the right ones will come in time. Hugs.