I Wanted Sunshine, I Got Rain
Oh, my goodness, I have been so sad today. Some days the whole world comes crashing down, and today was one of those days. Posy has been telling me recently that she misses our old house, and I woke up this morning unbearably sad that on a whim last year I had moved my children out of the house they grew up in. The Girl is home for the holidays and instead of being able to cuddle up in her old room with the cat she has to take it in turns bunking in with her sisters.
And suddenly, for the first time, I missed the ease of our old house. It was completely renovated and everything worked. It had a lovely garden and heating that didn't rely on me splitting wood on a daily basis. It had lots of couches and space for all the children's friends and a courtyard and huge dining table for neighbourhood lunches and dinners. There was even a study for me to write in instead of my current options - the dining room table or sitting up in bed. Also, I had just had the kids' old cubby turned into a chicken house before I left. If I had stayed I would have had chickens for a whole year by now!
I love this house, but it throws up so many challenges - heating with wood, the garden/jungle, it still has no curtains, no door knobs on my bedroom or the bathroom and I am in negotiations over building a verandah and some more retaining walls, which might take actually forever, and somewhere in the jungle is space for chickens, but where? But most of all I grieve for Posy who is grieving for her past - not only her old house, but her old life and an intact family. No matter what solutions I can come up with (and I am all about solutions), nothing is going to fix that grief. That is something we have to sit with and be sad about together.
I am trying to make some career decisions which will possibly be disastrous and end in tears. Risk versus safety. I know I am going to take the risk, but I am all about safety and am frankly terrified.
I went to the farmers market today and so much beautiful fresh food there was wrapped in plastic. I was just despairing and miserable about the planet, about the mess we are leaving for our brave and vulnerable children, and also irritable at myself for endlessly taking on challenges that are difficult and annoying. Today I wanted to just walk into a supermarket and buy all the things, plastic wrapped, produced by mega-corporations and breaking the planet, whatever. I just wanted life to be easy.
I bought two litres of wonderful organic, biodynamic milk in glass bottles from the market, and it is so sweet and yummy that by five o'clock in the afternoon we only have half a litre left. I am panicking because it was so expensive and we won't have any left by tomorrow.. and I'm panicking because I don't see how we can eat ethical and afford to eat..
What else? I made yoghurt and for the first time ever it didn't set. At all. I did nothing different. Nothing! The universe conspires against me.
This afternoon I went to bed and cried. The dog came and used me as a pillow. I stared into a certain future of having no-one in my life except the dog because I am grumpy and irritable and other people are just impenetrable mysteries, or maybe I am just incompetent at people. I second-guess every parenting decision I ever make and wish I could press the rewind button, oh, at least twice a day..
So much woe.. and what is the point here? Well, you know, I am usually such an optimistic person. I bob along on the river of life like a cork. It is so hard for me to be down for long. It is 10:02pm, and already my day is on the up. The Girl made dinner, and dessert. She gave me hugs. We all played a silly board game after dinner and the girls are playing their loud and cheerful music all through our tiny house. I swept the floor and did the dishes, and although there is no milk I am not worried. I'll get a carton when I am out tomorrow. It doesn't matter. So much doesn't matter. The children will always love me, no matter where they are. I will always love them. We will always have something to eat. The dog will always use me as a pillow, and why not?
Today I had a bit of a wobble. I have been sick for three weeks, and here at the tail end I'm just having a down day. It's not surprising. Tomorrow I will be back to my smiley self. What I wanted to say is.. I am so lucky. I have the occasional sad day where everything falls apart. But mostly my days are full of small joys and glorious possibilities. My brain is pretty sunshiney.
There are people in my life who are not so lucky. They fight through dark panic and grey fog and doubt and sadness most days. They battle anxiety and depression and their bodies and minds fail them on a daily basis. I was pretty miserable today. I can't imagine feeling like that every day. I can't imagine keeping on going without the encouragement of sunshine and cheer. And yet, you do, my darlings.
So here's to you my lovely, loving, beautiful, brilliant, brave fellow souls and sojourners, those of you I know and love, and those of you I know are out there struggling through your own dark day today. I appreciate what you bring to the table of life. Thank you for everything you show the rest of us about courage and resilience. I wish I could share some sunshine with you.