Um, Could This Be Happy?

I woke up this morning feeling very peculiar. I smiled a lot. There was blue sky, and warm patches of sunshine filled with cats. There was peach blossom and daffodils and silence, and then some other kinds of silence, only this time with added birds singing, and the kettle boiling. It took some time to work out what the particular peculiarity of this morning signified. And finally I had it - I think I am happy.

I have certainly spent many months in a long, dark winter this year. Not only was I feeling dreadfully unhappy and guilty and like a miserable failure over our marriage break-up, I was also in that dark place where everything is my fault, and I can never seem to do anything right.. it has been that way for months, and now..suddenly, it has lifted. Who can say why these things happen? Maybe it was the sunshine, maybe it was the kindness of friends, the support of family, maybe it was you lovely people who send good thoughts and happiness winging my way each day. Probably all of that goodness together.

I would feel quite guilty about being happy, except that The Man is happy too. He is such a splendid chap, so wonderfully deserving of happiness. Sometimes, when he is around, we catch each others' eye and grin a certain wry grin, which means, 'Oh my, this situation we find ourselves in is peculiar and interesting, rather odd, a little sad and nostalgic, but principally liberating.. I wonder where we go from here?'

The answer to that for me is that I have no idea. I stay here and do what I do. We both do our absolute best for the children every day. We take our moments of happiness where we find them, which for me today was weeding the garden in the sunshine.

And being thankful to the sad version of me, who one day in the Autumn looked up from being sad for a little while, and planted daffodils for the sake of the me I would be in the Spring.


Tanya Murray said…
Oh my goodness I'm a numpty sometimes. I don't know how I missed your mid winter post, but I am catching up with the rest of the world now. I thought you were overdoing it with the sour doughing and sewing and thrifting with children to be schooled and was going to tell you you don't have to be superwoman...but I see you already are. You're so wise and good, I have nothing but admiration and not an ounce of good advice that you don't already know. But from experience I say, it's true, "Time Heals". Hope to see you tomorrow. Love T
Aly said…
So lovely to hear you are happy, and no longer violently ill and sad.
Much love, Aunty Aly xx
Heather said…
I'm so happy that you are happy, because you deserve to feel good. Life can be so hard sometimes, but it sounds as if you are doing the best you can with your situation. I admire that you and your husband are putting your kids' needs first. Keep up the positive outlook! Who knows what wonderful things await you? Hugs.
Anonymous said…
You are a survivor Jo. Anyone who can, in the midst of a long-dark-winter of the soul, plant daffodil bulbs (even by rote as an automatic action) is an optimist and is going to survive. SO glad you are cusping :). Spring has caught me unawares and now I am wide eyed and crazy with it's possibilities...sort of like Earl after dinner time when that food hits his empty spot and he feels the need to run, head down, tail tucked up at about 100km/hour through the legs of chairs and under the kitchen table performing crazy slalom worthy of the Olympic Russian team in flawless accuracy only my spring madness is just that MADNESS! I have my ears back like Garfield and I am twitching because that green light that says "Go!" has gone off in my head and my body refuses to let go of winter. Your daffodils are a symbol of true happiness Jo and no-one deserves to be happy as much as you do right now. Go make a cuppa, sit near those daffies and soak up those blackbirds singing their hearts out. I will keep the crazy fires burning till you are ready to return ;)
Jo said…
Tanya, so looking forward to seeing you all tonight. It has been difficult for the last few months to a)leave the kids (even though they are perfectly able to look after themselves - mummy guilt!) and b)drag myself off the couch to do anything at all.
But hopefully I have turned the sociability corner, and assuming no child breaks an arm between now and then, I WILL be seeing you tonight:)
Aly, thanks honey, all the thanks for always being there xx
Heather, doing the best we can - yes, the perfectionist in me trying to believe that is enough. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to learn..
Fran, I can totally see you rushing madly round the house with your wildly enthusiastic puppy! Let's tackle spring together:)
Unknown said…
What a lovely day way to start the day - reading about someone finding happiness after a gloomy period. You go girl... Spring really does feel like an awakening.
Jo said…
Oh yes, Lynda, Spring, I am so excited! What is a better uplift for the soul than baby plants?
Anonymous said…
Happy to hear the light has shone through! There will be much more of it.
Anonymous said…
Sure sounds like happy! And yellow is definitely cheering. So daffodils can only lift the heart.

I agree with Fran. Deep in your kernel, you knew you would come through and be were able to plant those bulbs. And they have bloomed like you will bloom. Maybe not so quickly, but still sprouts are showing.

And your marriage breakup wasn't a failure. In at least two ways. You had a long, successful marriage. And you both seem amicable. To be able to separate and still keep the children first is another sign of success.

Sending love!
Jo said…
Dar and Lucinda, and all of you, you know what I like about you? When I tell I you I can't see a way forward (even though I have turned the happy corner), you can see it for me, and you tell me with such conviction that I am starting to believe you:)
Bless you all xx
i'm glad you are seeing - no, becoming - light and happiness. keep seeing the beauty and happiness that surrounds you xx e
Anonymous said…
I am so glad you're happy. I know I've been in quite a bad place this winter too although I've no clear cut reason as to why. The last few days I too have found happiness.
I'm so glad both you and the Man are happy even if it's taken an ending to find that happiness. The world is inexplicable sometimes. And I agree with Lucinda. Not a failure. Remaining amicable is a huge success!

Enjoy those daffodils, enjoy pulling those weeds and the therapy that comes with dirt under the nails and keep on smiling. :)
It warms my heart to have you share this slither of sunshine in what has been a bleak time for you. I do ache in my heart for the changes and unchartered territory you are facing, and there's nothing I can do to assist. But I wish you this happiness, long and sustained, and that's not all blue ;)
GretchenJoanna said…
Thank you for sharing your happiness. May God bless and keep you and your husband and the children!
I had a similar experience with my zinnias this year, planting them when it was not at all fun, and I was sure I wouldn't even like the arrangement. And a few months later they became the most cheering ornament in my life. I think your daffodils are reflecting your own bright courage.
Tammy said…
I'm glad that enough time has passed for your smile to emerge. Your wanting your "man" to be happy speaks wonders for well things can move forward with the two of you parenting.

Enjoy the smiles as they come.
Jo said…
Thank you lovies. It encourages me so much to pop back and find ever more kindness;)

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