I woke up this morning feeling very peculiar. I smiled a lot. There was blue sky, and warm patches of sunshine filled with cats. There was peach blossom and daffodils and silence, and then some other kinds of silence, only this time with added birds singing, and the kettle boiling. It took some time to work out what the particular peculiarity of this morning signified. And finally I had it - I think I am happy.
I have certainly spent many months in a long, dark winter this year. Not only was I feeling dreadfully unhappy and guilty and like a miserable failure over our marriage break-up, I was also in that dark place where everything is my fault, and I can never seem to do anything right.. it has been that way for months, and now..suddenly, it has lifted. Who can say why these things happen? Maybe it was the sunshine, maybe it was the kindness of friends, the support of family, maybe it was you lovely people who send good thoughts and happiness winging my way each day. Probably all of that goodness together.
I would feel quite guilty about being happy, except that The Man is happy too. He is such a splendid chap, so wonderfully deserving of happiness. Sometimes, when he is around, we catch each others' eye and grin a certain wry grin, which means, 'Oh my, this situation we find ourselves in is peculiar and interesting, rather odd, a little sad and nostalgic, but principally liberating.. I wonder where we go from here?'
The answer to that for me is that I have no idea. I stay here and do what I do. We both do our absolute best for the children every day. We take our moments of happiness where we find them, which for me today was weeding the garden in the sunshine.
And being thankful to the sad version of me, who one day in the Autumn looked up from being sad for a little while, and planted daffodils for the sake of the me I would be in the Spring.
A need for rhythm, detachment, slowness.
9 hours ago