No Apologies
Some years ago now, I wrote a series of posts on a housekeeping routine I developed. Then I wrote a post called Overwhelmed by Housework? which is to date my most popular post ever, and in my latest iteration of the blog it sits right at the bottom of every post and has been annoying me for weeks. One day I will work out how to get rid of that particular feature.
Anyway, it has been annoying me because I have more or less given up on doing housework, and now my past is coming back to haunt me. For a few months, maybe a couple of years way back then I was convinced that I could nail this housework thing, with dedication and amazing will power. Turns out I was wrong. I have no more interest in housework now than I ever did, which is next to none. I have the same huge capacity to tolerate mess and downright dirt that I have had forever. And I have made a decision - this is a fight that I am done with.
For so many years I have somehow conflated the state of my house with some kind of moral standard. You know, good people have clean houses. That sort of thing. And good women especially, have clean houses. I have decided now, that actually, no, the sign of a really morally developed woman is to not be swayed by the arbitrary cultural expectations of other people, or her own self. No apology, is my new motto, whether I feel like keeping the house as clean as a whistle (unlikely), or in that state where it hasn't seen a mop and bucket since the Christmas before last. Also, although I have always been able to tolerate huge messes, I have always run around like a mad woman cleaning up before company comes, and causing enormous anxiety to those around me by insisting they do the same, you know, like washing the windows in the twenty five minutes before guests are due for lunch. Last week I found some two year old unopened mail in a pile I must have stashed at the back of a cupboard before guests came over.. in 2017. Crazy days.
So this is my new plan. Clean up if I want to (sometimes I do, especially if I am procrastinating). Live in a huge mess if I want to, and never apologise for the mess. It is what it is. I am who I am. This all works particularly well for me because I live with two untidy children. Partner Paul comes over sometimes and vacuums, because he likes vacuuming, and also he is very tall and his head gets caught in the cobwebs... then he looks at my kitchen sink and shakes his head and asks how three people can possibly make so many dishes?? But I don't mind because he is not a judgemental person and anyway, he doesn't do my dishes. I have no idea how this would pan out if I were actually living with Paul, but thankfully that is not a contingency I have to deal with right now.
My house is not real clean currently because I am busy, busy writing my novel. It may never be published but it has a theme that I am weaving through my life which is.. It doesn't really matter..
I believe this applies to many things, but especially to housework.
Comments
Have a great writing day, Jo. The dishes can wait! :)
Patricia fl/USA
I like the new Jo or is it the old Jo laying down the law? I seceded from polite society years ago and adore my semi dust clad hermitage. I have an inbuilt thermostat for when it gets too bad but when you are surrounded by a husband and 2 dogs who could care less and who actively encourage dust and mess into the house you have to make some decisions about renegotiating your standards for the sake of your sanity. Consider me wilfully renegotiated.
I actually think its a sign of having a seriously active mental life, to not be too concerned about your physical surrounds. I am betting that most of the great masters lived in squalor when they were painting and that all great opus are written without a second thought to ever increasing piles of washing and dishes on the sink. Here's to your novel. I am currently reading a novel by a woman who lives in Karoula called "A story of seven summers" and when your novel comes out, I would like to buy a signed copy please. Thank you for your always entertaining and often enlightening posts Jo. I can't wait to read your book :)
I'm quite a neat and tidy person, but I live with 2 messies now and it used to be 4 of them, we live out of town (as was pointed out above, increases the degree of difficulty) I've had to lower my standards or suffer a complete breakdown.
I read somewhere once that dust stops increasing after 3 years or something like that, I think it's true, the other great piece of advice I read was that dust protects furniture, my furniture is very well protected. My floors get an annual wash, because lazy.
I think life would be much happier, more creative and just a lot kinder all round if we could all just accept what is right for us and stop thinking we "need" to have our homes looking a certain way.
Looking forward to seeing where your writing takes you.
lovely to see you back in this space too.
cheers Kate
Seven Summers, that must be Hilary's book. I met her at her going away party recently as she heads back to the UK for a bit. She is one of Paul's friends. In the book, the Paul she meets at the salsa party, who reveals the location of the secret beach he called Deepest Darkest Africa? That is my Paul:)
Kate, you know, that inner mean girl was more of an inner worried person, always worry, worry, worry about other people's expectations. And worry tends to make one snappy and irritable..
I am so glad to hear we all have well-protected furniture. Not dusting is actually a frugal practice then, as the furniture lasts longer? Perfect.
Now, I don't know why Reg was so surprised when we moved in to our house that I didn't suddenly start doing housework to his mum's standard. He knew what he was getting into, because he lived with me at mine for almost a year before we bought our house, and really the only difference between me living alone and with him was that I bought more plates.
But surprised he was. I think 98% of our fights for the first five or so years we have been together were about my lack of housekeeping skills/attention. I thought that if he cared so much about it, he should get on it, he thought I should just do it because stay at home (Or working part time) and all that.
Fast forward several years, including a stretch of him being at home when he discovered exactly how much work was involved in maintaining a house, the house is tidyish and cleanish (I have a cleaner - house gets tidied the night before she comes, and then she cleans it) and I let him buy a Dyson so he can storm around cleaning up all the dog hair and telling me how *disgusting* it all is; and I can do all the fun housekeeping stuff like cooking all the things!
Unfortunately (for the house) the weather has turned,spring and warm weather has descended in cold Camada and it's gardening season and I really need to get out there in the greenery. So my lovely tidy house will have to wait till a rainy day.
Marieann
But as I commented on her post, I really have not adjusted to the fact that I myself am the only one I can delegate, to do any housework. There have been no children on the team for fifteen years, and not even a husband for four years. I just forget about housework, my mind is filled with so many other things, and I don't have a routine that includes it. That type of thing I do the most is clean my bathroom sink, because it really does stare at me so frequently.
As to apologizing, I read once that even if we are feeling apologetic about the disorder or dirt of our houses, we should not apologize to guests, because that is sort of insulting to them, implying as it does that they are such small souls as to actually notice or care.
I think you've got it down now, Jo!
So thank you for being the reassurance on my bits of mess, because at the end of the day, like you said, I am me and the bits and pieces around my house don’t change who I am as a person.
Marieann, I appreciate a clean and tidy house as much as anyone. It is like a lovely work of art. I just don't do it:) Enjoy spring gardening fever while you can. The dishes will always be there, but spring is fleeting..
Gretchen Joanna, I think that maybe we all have a particular thing - yours is the bathroom sink, mine is making the bed. I absolutely cannot leave the bed unmade. I love your thoughts about apologising to guests, and I will always think of them now. Yes, of course, it is so much more gracious not to apologise. Of course, all my guests have great souls, above the petty concerns of tidiness..
Anon, I'm so glad this resonated. One of the things I hope for my young adult children is that they will be able to settle in themselves and be content with who they are, changing themselves only from internal promptings and not from external pressures.. they are doing pretty well with this, and I am finally learning, too:)
Mary, all your hobbies sound perfectly splendid to me, and more fun than cleaning house. Will be arranging the Paul World Vacuuming Tour soon, will pop you on the list.. btw I can understand the difference between clutter and clean - I often have a tidy house but it's not often actually clean..
Anna, that is a fabulous story! I can just imagine all the effort that went into that project, so much more effort than occasional dusting would be. Brilliant! I totally support your need for clean and tidy. We all need to find our own level, don't we, and live with that and not worry about what everyone else is doing.. recipe for peace and goodwill..
I agree we should all do whatever makes us happy and not what we think is expected of us, whether it's blowing dust off the books as we read them or scrubbing the front step every Saturday.
My whole family is fairly untidy. My husband thinks he isn't but is as incapable as putting things away as the rest of them. And that's our trouble- things get left out because they may be needed tomorrow or we'll do it in a minute. I keep decluttering as the stuff 'out' all the time approach makes even a cursory clean difficult, but unless I get them down to a Little House on the Prairie level of possessions it's going to remain a struggle.
What I would like to get to is a point where I don't feel the need to rush around just before visitors are expected but I still do. Apart from anything else I don't like the suggestion that the double glazing man is worthy of more cleaning effort than those of us that live here or that the way we live is somehow less than acceptable to the world at large (see all above comments about living in the country with pets, garden, seeds on windowsills...) It's a work in progress...
That's why I don't dust, it could be someone I know!"
A quote I found somewhere. I only dust when it annoys me so much it motivates me to do it. Or yeh, visitors are coming during the day time. Or there's the one about "Only Dull women have immaculate houses".
Love your musings, regards Sandra.
I’m so glad we have a dishwasher. It means there isn’t a build up on the sink.
Mr S doesn’t see mess or dirt. So I’m on my own when it comes to cleaning. I think I’m like Miss Mandy. I wait until critical mess levels. Then I am a maniac.
Lucinda. - Blogger and Wordpress are at war again. I have to post anonymously or give google my phone number. Not doing that.
Sandra, that is certainly something to think about:) There seems to be quite a bias against dusting here.. I do know interesting women with immaculate houses, though. I think that saying was invented by a jealous messy..
Lucinda, what? Your phone number? This wordpress/blogger rivalry is insane. It's time to write a letter..
I tend to wait until critical mess as well, which can be pretty uncomfortable, then I vow to do better, but generally don't. Which is why i am just letting up on the self-critical blaming and seeing what happens when i go with the flow..
It sounds like you are in a comfortable place with the housekeeping which is so good.